Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium