Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
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Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Battery falling down a hole
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die