KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Venn
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST