Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.