Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up