@AaronFullerton: Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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@PresTightrhymes: *showing friend my new place* Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair. Him:Don't you mean rocking chair? Me:DoN't YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
@MichaelTrying: A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it's my screensaver.
@EndhooS: Wife's lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce? My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked...