Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question