[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.