[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m sure it’s fine.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me recordaron éste meme
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.