this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
You Might Also Like
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I only eat vegetarians.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.