[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me trying to walk in a dream
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes