[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane