[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Anyone want a chair?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.