[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I identify as an antique shop.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.