*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*