[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.