[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.