[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Great acting.. 😂
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too