[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Anime is real
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened