<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!