*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.