*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares