Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.