*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Inside you there are two wolves
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”