*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.