*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist