*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef