My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
choose your fighter
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you