There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.