Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
How software testing works
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister