*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You Might Also Like
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
channeling her this year
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect