*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights