My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert