Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?