“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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A leaf blower, but for people.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!