I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Cndnsd Mlk
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11