Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
much to think about
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count