@KevinFarzad: Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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@BetteMidler: Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
@jonnysun: me: helo darkness my old friend darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
@ruinedpicnic: "Sorry but It's me or the label maker." [takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt] "Thank y-" [sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]
@Epygma: *i get chased into a dark alley* Please no *two men walk up to me holding a knife* "If you join our insurance you can save up to-" NOOOOOOO