Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.