@KevinFarzad: Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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@bridger_w: If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
@imence2: My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.
@AmishPornStar1: Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough... But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.