Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Print is alive and well!!!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.