Real House Wines.
You Might Also Like
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.