LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do