“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂