@sarcasticmommy4: If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said "Mom, you're not funny", I could buy a beach house. And live by myself.

@Kauaibride: not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@DrinkingatWork: My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

@SteveSuckington: "Why did u jump off that bridge?" My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?" Yes. I literally just said that

@figgled: [to a straight couple] Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian