My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
You Might Also Like
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Wait a minute
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!