@JBWogan: Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."
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@WilliamAder: When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."
@Chumpstring: SCIENTIST: the earth is dying ME: oh no how long do we have SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months ME: so what you're saying is no more condoms
@joerogan: Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
@KalvinMacleod: VILLIAN: all this money is mine BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?