Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Cause of death: Zumba
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.