@JBWogan: Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: "Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions."
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@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@ImLeslieChow: "I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story."
@KingRainhead: friend: i want a bf me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me