Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt