My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Finally, an explanation.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-