You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Cucumbers Anonymous
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Well, that should do it
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.