@OneFunnyMummy: Real women don't wish their enemies would die, just that they'll get fat.
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@michaelianblack: How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?
@SteveSuckington: 1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby 2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god