Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Okay me first
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan