@OneFunnyMummy: Real women don't wish their enemies would die, just that they'll get fat.
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@AndyRichter: Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche
@UncleDuke1969: *wakes up at the crack of Dawn* *instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
@david8hughes: Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut? Me: I washed it Her: but it looks really different Me: yeah I used water this time
@samalmightysam: -Honey, what made you fall in love with me? -Your mother. -But my mother lives 5000 miles away. -That's why...