Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me driving through Toronto
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.