Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
men are simple creatures
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out