Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Love is in the air fryer.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve