[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak